How I am

It has taken me a long time to feel like I was ready to write down my thoughts and feelings about the adoption of our first baby Abigail Brooke Larson. The loss we feel is incredible, and something that will never leave me. I do know, however, that I have learned so much in the process of this trial and I would be ungrateful if I did not record and share my testimony.

My Heavenly Father has recently handed me a trial that I am still not sure that I am able to handle. But I am sure of a few things. I have a Heavenly Father who knows me, who guides me, and most importantly, who loves me unconditionally. And for that I must be grateful. The loss of Abigail has affected me in ways that were surprising to me, and in ways that were not. I was not surprised by the initial and very real pain and hurt that I was feeling. I was not surprised by the anger and feeling of betrayal that also quickly came over me. I was, however, completely taken back by the overpowering feelings of comfort, peace, and intense love. I am grateful. I am grateful today for my husband who is the most amazing person I have ever known. I am grateful for the Temple and the healing powers I have felt there. I am grateful for those who have taken their time and faith to petition the Lord on our behalf. I promise you, we have felt every voice in our hearts. But what I will eternally be grateful for was the most amazing 8 days that I got to spend with my beloved Abby. They filled me with love I never knew I could obtain, selflessness I never knew possible, and most importantly, a glimpse into Heaven and a greater understanding of the plan of salvation and the love our Heavenly Father has for each of his children. A talk was given to me where a mother prays in desperation: "I can't do this. This is too much. I can't do this." The reply: "Good....then you'll have to depend on me." I add my testimony to this mother as peace quickly drifted over her. There is no way to get through a day in this life without the assistance of the one man who loves us above all others. My Heavenly Father will take this pain from me. He will comfort me every day that I invite Him into my life and He will help to heal my heart. As I pray for the healing power of the Atonement, I realize that slowly my sadness is turned into peace and my doubts and fears now change to hope. I find that my capacity for love increases every day that I commit myself to serving the Lord, and that anger no longer has room in my heart. I do not know why this had to happen, and I suspect I might not ever. But I find it interesting that this trial - easily the hardest I have ever faced - has increased my testimony more than anything I have ever experienced. I know my Father lives. I know the power of the plan of salvation and the amazing ability of the Atonement. I pray I will see my baby again and I know the Lord has a plan. It is hard to lean on Him not knowing the whole picture, but I have faith that His plan is far better than mine. I love my Heavenly Father and my precious baby girl and I know He will look out for her in ways that I cannot. I love Cydney, our birth mother and I pray for her every day. I pray she will allow Heavenly Father back into her life and the life of our daughter. But no matter what, I love this gospel and the peace it brings me every day.