How I am

It has taken me a long time to feel like I was ready to write down my thoughts and feelings about the adoption of our first baby Abigail Brooke Larson. The loss we feel is incredible, and something that will never leave me. I do know, however, that I have learned so much in the process of this trial and I would be ungrateful if I did not record and share my testimony.

My Heavenly Father has recently handed me a trial that I am still not sure that I am able to handle. But I am sure of a few things. I have a Heavenly Father who knows me, who guides me, and most importantly, who loves me unconditionally. And for that I must be grateful. The loss of Abigail has affected me in ways that were surprising to me, and in ways that were not. I was not surprised by the initial and very real pain and hurt that I was feeling. I was not surprised by the anger and feeling of betrayal that also quickly came over me. I was, however, completely taken back by the overpowering feelings of comfort, peace, and intense love. I am grateful. I am grateful today for my husband who is the most amazing person I have ever known. I am grateful for the Temple and the healing powers I have felt there. I am grateful for those who have taken their time and faith to petition the Lord on our behalf. I promise you, we have felt every voice in our hearts. But what I will eternally be grateful for was the most amazing 8 days that I got to spend with my beloved Abby. They filled me with love I never knew I could obtain, selflessness I never knew possible, and most importantly, a glimpse into Heaven and a greater understanding of the plan of salvation and the love our Heavenly Father has for each of his children. A talk was given to me where a mother prays in desperation: "I can't do this. This is too much. I can't do this." The reply: "Good....then you'll have to depend on me." I add my testimony to this mother as peace quickly drifted over her. There is no way to get through a day in this life without the assistance of the one man who loves us above all others. My Heavenly Father will take this pain from me. He will comfort me every day that I invite Him into my life and He will help to heal my heart. As I pray for the healing power of the Atonement, I realize that slowly my sadness is turned into peace and my doubts and fears now change to hope. I find that my capacity for love increases every day that I commit myself to serving the Lord, and that anger no longer has room in my heart. I do not know why this had to happen, and I suspect I might not ever. But I find it interesting that this trial - easily the hardest I have ever faced - has increased my testimony more than anything I have ever experienced. I know my Father lives. I know the power of the plan of salvation and the amazing ability of the Atonement. I pray I will see my baby again and I know the Lord has a plan. It is hard to lean on Him not knowing the whole picture, but I have faith that His plan is far better than mine. I love my Heavenly Father and my precious baby girl and I know He will look out for her in ways that I cannot. I love Cydney, our birth mother and I pray for her every day. I pray she will allow Heavenly Father back into her life and the life of our daughter. But no matter what, I love this gospel and the peace it brings me every day.

3-D Abby

My baby is adorable. The End.

The 3D ultrasound was quite an experience. I thought for sure I would cry my eyes out, but the whole thing was so fascinating, I just watched in amazement the whole time! She was a stinker though! We got some really great shots and she was super cute and then she told us to leave her alone and flipped over and put her back to us and that was that! I can tell I am going to have my hands full with this one.

Her little yawn!

Sticking her thumb in her eye...silly girl

This one is my favorite. You can see her adorable foot and her chunky legs and arms! I cannot wait to just EAT her to pieces!!

Her cute back rolls! Oh I cant wait. I hope she is a chuck!

Birthing classes!

Well, our birthing classes are NOT what we expected, but they have been really fun and very informative! The first class we watched about 5 live births and when we left, Matthew and Cydney were in a haze of disbelief...poor things. I think it was hardest on Cydney because she finally realized the work that was ahead of her and actually saw what was going to happen. I thought it was magical and I loved it! Our next class we talked about breast feeding and saw A LOT of, well, breasts....and again Matthew was completely thrown off....he is so cute that way. Poor little man! Our next class is on Wednesday and we are going to be going through real baby care and infant CPR. I am the most excited about this class mainly for Matthew. He is so nervous about breaking Abigail I hope it helps him gain some confidence!

But the ABSOLUTE BEST PART of birthing class was the pregnancy belly that all the boys got to put on! Cydney and I had so much fun with this making him lean over to tie his shoes and bend down and pick things up that we dropped on the floor for him!

He is such a great sport! I love him!

Baby-mooning!

Matthew and I are trying to go on as many dates as possible before Abigail comes! So, I am calling this period of time our Baby-moon! We are having so much fun so far. We have a very long list of things we want to get done so we are constantly doing one thing or another! So far we have gone glow in the dark golfing and played in an arcade! I forgot how fun arcades are!! I love air hockey!

Glow in the dark golf...and a photobombing pirate....

WINNING at air hockey! 

Our winnings from the arcade! We rule

Matthew's favorite place on earth...the ice cream shop

My love!

We still have TONS on our list including lots and lots of swimming, Yellowstone - can you believe I have never been, lava hot springs, camping, Mesa Falls, the drive-in theatre, and a whole bunch more! It will be a fun couple of months! Speaking of which....we are down to almost 7 weeks! I cannot believe it. 

It's a good thing too, because she is ready to come out!

Fourth of July!!

The fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays! I am super patriotic and love my country! I truly know that this nation is the land of the free BECAUSE of the brave! Matthew and I really go all out for Independence Day and always paint our own patriotic shirts to wear during the day. We decided to share our tradition with Cydney and Cynthia this year and we are so glad we did! We all painted shirts on the 3rd and had yummy pizza! Then on the 4th, we all attended the Idaho Falls parade. We had to park on 4th street because all the roads were blocked for the parade and then walked to 18th street so that was a fun little walk to start the day. It was a great parade and lasted 2 hours! I loved all the marching bands! Matthew AND Abigail loved the fire trucks. She would kick really hard when they drove by (probably because they were so loud and scaring her) but Matthew refuses to believe that! Then we came to our apartment and Cydney and Cynthia got to see the nursery for the first time. It was a great moment with all 4 and a half of us in there. That was Abby's first time in her nursery and it was just such a peaceful moment between all of us. We ate lunch and watched Frozen because Cydney was dying to see it! After eating and taking some pictures of us in our awesome shirts we changed and WENT SWIMMING at Rigby Lake!! I don't think you understand the love that I have for swimming! I practically grew up in a swimming pool and the ocean. It is some of my best memories I have and I LOVE the water! We all had a blast! I am the type of person that just jumps in and that is how I get over 'the cold' of the water. Then I am fine to swim around since my body is already used to it. Matthew, on the other hand, is a slow and steady guy and it takes him around half an hour to get totally into a body of water. I don't know what it is - maybe because he grew up in a land locked state and did not swim that much growing up, but he just does not feel really comfortable swimming. I always watch him extra close when we swim to make sure he is doing alright. I decided to swim the length of the lake for fun and when I got to the other side, I turned around and saw Matthew about half way to me. I was so excited for him for trying but also really nervous he would not make it. He did! We had a few moments alone which was great and we skipped some rocks. Then when he caught his breath, we swam back except this time I stayed right in front of him the entire time and he held onto my ankle as we swam back. I probably was annoying since I kept turning around and asking if he was alright, but he said he appreciated it in the end. I think Abigail liked swimming too. Cydney said she was doing a few flips in there! Then we went back to our apartment and took quick showers to rinse off and made some yummy tin foil dinners for supper! Matthew and I love making tin foil dinners and make them ALL the time! Cydney and Cynthia really enjoyed them and then we watched Ninja Turtles (don't ask me....it is Matthew AND Cydney's favorite!) Then we went back to Idaho Falls for the firework show and it was great! There is just something about fireworks that makes you feel like a kid again, they are just so awesome!

Extreme concentration

Apparently, this is the PROPER way to eat cotton candy...

Going swimming!

All in all it was an amazing day filled with patriotism, fun, food and family! What more could you ask for!?! We got back to Rexburg pretty late which was fine, but the next day...I (speed walked) the Color in Motion 5K with my health coach Terra at 9am. It was great! I will definitely do it again and maybe next time run.....meh....NOPE!

Baby Abigail's Sophisticated Woodland Nursery

Ok, so I could not wait to reveal the completed nursery. Matthew and I love it! We both find ourselves in there all the time now just waiting on little Abigail!

This is the dress I came home from the hospital wearing, so now it will be Abigail's turn!

Matthew's grandma painted this for him when he was a baby

A is for Abigail!

My granny sang this song to me every day for as long as I can remember.

Thank you to the amazing Nancy Morrison for making all of this bedding for little Abigail. We are so thankful and it turned out PERFECT!!